3 years ago
286
Dear Amy: I americium a pistillate successful my 30s. Recently I received a Facebook connection from my eighth-grade teacher, “Mr. K,” wanting to accidental hullo and reconnect.
He adjacent mentioned gathering up to springiness maine 1 of my papers that helium inactive has. When I was successful his class, I truly liked him — helium was fun, astute and made schoolhouse interesting. All the kids liked him.
As an adult, however, I look backmost connected that twelvemonth and consciousness unsettled and squeamish; Mr. K would often remark connected my looks and however helium liked my hairsbreadth styled best. He would driblet by my location unannounced to bring maine books, and erstwhile connected a school-related outing, helium drove maine and a fewer different students to his location (he lived alone) to springiness america a circuit of the house.
Nothing wholly inappropriate occurred, but looking backmost I spot that nary of it was wholly appropriate, either.
My question is: Do I conscionable disregard this message? Do I respond and fto him cognize that successful hindsight helium comes crossed similar a spot of a creep?
Am I overreacting? He is nary longer teaching, but seemingly helium volunteers astatine schools (when they are open).
— Conflicted successful OR
Dear Conflicted: You accidental that thing “completely inappropriate” occurred backmost erstwhile you were successful eighth grade, but everything you study astir this teacher’s behaviour is wholly inappropriate.
I deliberation galore of america tin look backmost and recognize successful hindsight that an big successful our beingness pushed the creep metre to 11, and often it was an big who was nice, affable and fashionable with kids.
But radical who truly emotion and recognize children respect their affectional and carnal vulnerability — and behave accordingly.
All of these events happened implicit 20 years ago, but the standards for teacher behaviour were not radically antithetic past than they are now.
The lone quality is that you were an teen then. You were inactive sorting retired the quality betwixt affirmative attraction from a skilled and fantastic teacher, and an big successful a presumption of powerfulness who wasn’t respecting the indispensable bound betwixt him and his students.
No teacher should ever instrumentality children to his house, ever — for immoderate reason.
No teacher should thrust students successful his backstage car. No teacher should driblet by a student’s house, unannounced and uninvited. No teacher should azygous retired a pupil to remark connected however beauteous she is, oregon however helium likes her hair.
I presume that immoderate of this teacher’s actions were firing offenses, adjacent 20 years ago.
And — wherefore has this antheral kept a insubstantial of yours for implicit 20 years? That insubstantial belongs to you.
Yes, I deliberation you should respond to him, saying a mentation of: “Thank you for being specified a bully teacher. However, arsenic an big I recognize that your behaviour toward maine and immoderate different students was highly inappropriate. I americium not comfy being successful interaction with you.” And past — bash not respond to immoderate further interaction from him.
Dear Amy: I could usage a fewer of your bully zinger comeback replies to an oldest sister, who is the household quality and uses passive assertive questions that marque maine (the younger and little beauteous sister) consciousness inferior.
Examples: “Have you thought astir trying to benignant your hairsbreadth similar mine?” Or, “Wow, however did you cognize however to pronounce Monet correctly?” Or, “Is that a agelong mark? I’ve ne'er really seen 1 up close!”
My sister is precise arrogant of her atheism and makes definite to mock my beliefs with small digs astatine each opportunity.
I’m 60 and bushed of smiling and avoiding her, but not speedy capable astatine the infinitesimal to springiness it back.
Help!
— Younger Sister
Dear Sister: Sometimes, the champion comeback is … nary comeback.
When a passive-aggressive oregon condescending remark hits you, you could presume a neutral look connected your face, blink a fewer times, respire in, and conscionable … wait.
You hold successful silence, and then, if inspired, you tin say, “Are you done?” and past bash your champion to resume an big conversation.
Dear Amy: Your ridiculous effect to “TIA” made maine fume. This woman’s hubby won’t get vaccinated for COVID-19, but helium has already had the disease, truthful helium is immune now!
You truly should brushwood up connected your research.
— Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: “TIA’s” hubby refused to get the vaccine that has proved effectual against COVID-19 due to the fact that helium believes it is simply a “government plot.”
That’s the problem, arsenic I pointed retired successful my response.
(You tin email Amy Dickinson astatine askamy@amydickinson.com oregon nonstop a missive to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You tin besides travel her connected Twitter @askingamy oregon Facebook.)
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