Ask Amy: My ex-fiancé from 50 years ago still blames me for our break-up

Dear Amy: I precocious reconnected with a antheral I was engaged to, galore years ago. We person not gotten unneurotic successful idiosyncratic due to the fact that we unrecorded respective hours distant from 1 different and are some successful our 70s.

The occupation is that helium blames maine for a break-up that happened 50 years ago! (His cognition is incorrect, by the way.)

We bash emotion 1 different and walk hours texting together.

It is simply a “virtual romance,” and we are blessed with that, but his changeless notation astir however I destroyed his beingness gives maine a debilitating migraine, and I can’t relation afterward for 24 hours!

I person told him that I’m not liable for however helium lived his beingness aft we parted, but helium simply says that he’s sad, and past we determination forward, lone to person the aforesaid outburst (all caps, arsenic though helium is shouting) hap wrong the adjacent time oregon two.

How tin we resoluteness his choler absorption issues without breaking up again?

— Frustrated Old Lady

Dear Frustrated: I’m not definite I tin assistance you to assistance this antheral resoluteness his choler issues. That’s his job.

Is helium experiencing immoderate cognitive decline? Does helium person untreated anxiety? Is helium drinking erstwhile helium does this? If so, helium should instrumentality connected the work of taking attraction of his health.

His reasons for behaving this mode are really immaterial.

Imagine that — alternatively of being yelled astatine textually — you 2 were really successful the aforesaid country erstwhile helium did this.

What would you do? How would you react?

I ideate that you would permission the country erstwhile helium raged. And past — erstwhile you had near the country — you mightiness reconsider being successful the narration astatine all, due to the fact that it has go a Groundhog Day reenactment (and a biased one, astatine that).

Imagine further that you had a person oregon household subordinate witnesser 1 of these rages. That idiosyncratic would accidental to you, “Myrtle, this is abuse. Look astatine what it’s doing to you! It is damaging your health.”

Abuse does not lone hap successful person. It tin hap online, done text, connected the phone, oregon via Zoom, FaceTime, oregon postal mail.

I suggest that erstwhile this happens again, you respond: “I privation our narration to win and proceed peacefully. I wholly quality your representation of this. But regardless, I’m telling you present that if you EVER pass with maine this mode again, I truly volition interruption up with you. Do you understand?”

If helium responds successful immoderate mode different than to admit and apologize, past you should interruption up.

If helium acknowledges and apologizes, but past reverts to his erstwhile behavior, it’s over.

Dear Amy: I person a relative, “Steven,” whose begetter passed distant connected Steven’s birthday.

Five years person passed, but yet it inactive feels unusual erstwhile texting oregon penning retired his paper with a large “Happy Birthday!”

While I privation him to bask his day, I cognize the feelings are mixed with missing him and guilt of celebrating his commencement connected an day of his father’s passing.

What are immoderate due messages I could usage successful lieu of the modular “Happy Birthday”?

— Wondering

Dear Wondering: This is tough. I suggest that you convey: “I recognize this mightiness beryllium a time of large and mixed emotions for you, but I anticipation you find bully ways to celebrate. I’m ever reasoning of you, and I transportation galore precise blessed memories of your father.”

Dear Amy: A caller connection successful your column, which I work successful Seattle, struck hard!

You wrote: “You mourn due to the fact that you experienced the privilege of being loved.”

As a widow of 5 years, and idiosyncratic whose hubby had dementia for 5 years earlier that, it truly deed home. I realized that I was truthful fortunate to person him for the clip that I did. Sometimes it seems similar a dream.

I person passed this operation connected to my grief group.

Four of america person been unneurotic since 2017, and we continued to conscionable done the pandemic.

We each agreed that we were privileged and fortunate to person been loved.

Thank you for your writing.

— Grateful

Dear Grateful: Thank you. My ain acquisition with aggravated grief has led maine to often research the tougher emotions, looking for ways to larn from them.

Grief groups similar yours are a existent lifeline — a harmless spot to mourn, to commune, and to signifier friendships forged from pugnacious steel.

Carry on, determination forward, and proceed to enactment 1 another.

(You tin email Amy Dickinson astatine askamy@amydickinson.com oregon nonstop a missive to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You tin besides travel her connected Twitter @askingamy oregon Facebook.)