3 years ago
303
Dear Amy: My hubby and I person 1 daughter, 21, who is simply a assemblage student.
I cannot get him to recognize that kids request to marque mistakes successful bid to learn.
He believes it’s our occupation to support them from making mistakes.
He drills her connected details astir schoolhouse and adjacent reads her email to marque definite she’s not missing something.
She doesn’t privation his assistance and I archer him to halt doing her thinking, planning, and problem-solving.
Because of this, we person conflict.
My motto is, “What’s the worst happening that tin happen?
His choler astir this is causing matrimony problems.
Please counsel what I mightiness do.
— Hurting Mom
Dear Hurting: When parents fundamentally relation for their big children, the “worst that tin happen” is really beauteous bad.
If your hubby keeps this up, your girl could extremity up with nary problem-solving skills of her own, which would interaction her quality to work, unrecorded independently, person steadfast relationships, oregon adjacent be to her ain idiosyncratic wellness and safety.
Or — much apt — she volition defy him and acceptable up a benignant of “shadow” beingness that helium can’t surveil.
I’m suggesting that successful bid for her to mature on the expected developmental way toward independency she whitethorn person to interruption with him erstwhile she is bushed of his control.
You are your daughter’s parent, conscionable arsenic overmuch arsenic your hubby is. You should beryllium transparent with some that you disagree with his power of her.
If helium is aggravated erstwhile you explicit your ain constituent of view, past excessively bad. This is simply a cardinal contented affecting your family, and you person the close to asseverate your ain influence.
Email your daughter: “You are legally an big now, and I privation you to unrecorded your beingness the mode you privation to unrecorded it. I person been honorable with Dad that I disagree with his parenting astatine this signifier of your life. I spot you to bash your champion and to occasionally marque mistakes. I anticipation you won’t fto anyone other beryllium successful complaint of your beingness — including america — but you tin ever travel to america for assistance if you request it.”
If your hubby reads this email successful the people of his surveillance, past each the better.
Your girl besides has the close to her ain opinion, and if she doesn’t similar her father’s behavior, past she – not you – should pass that to him.
Dear Amy: I americium presently surviving with my ex.
We broke up 3 years agone but stay roommates, which helps financially.
I’m besides anxiousness prone. He tin beryllium adjuvant due to the fact that helium does things that I person a hard clip doing. However, sometimes his effect to the #MeToo question and rape civilization triggers me, arsenic I americium a rape survivor.
He is 1 of the guys who says that rape civilization does not beryllium and that galore women prevarication astir being assaulted.
There are times I privation him to determination retired owed to my triggers.
He is the benignant of feline I don’t privation to beryllium around, but my anxiousness astir not being autarkic capable makes maine disregard however uncomfortable I americium being astir him.
Before you notation therapy, I already americium moving with a therapist. What should I do?
— Stuck successful Oregon
Dear Stuck: It is important for you NOT to person changeless interaction with idiosyncratic who keeps you stuck successful your trauma cycle. Since you already cognize your ex’s sentiment connected matters that are important to you, you should debar discussing your trauma with him.
I anticipation your enactment with your therapist involves a program to alteration your lodging situation. Do you person friends oregon household members who mightiness connection you a country — oregon unrecorded with you — aft you inquire your ex to leave?
You request a caller roommate, and I anticipation you volition enactment toward making definite that you make a healthier surviving situation for yourself.
A objective societal idiosyncratic could assistance you to marque advancement regarding immoderate of the beingness skills you avoid, owed to your anxiety.
Dear Amy: I was intrigued by your effect to “On the Fence,” whose mother-in-law was a nightmare, but had precocious asked for a 2nd chance.
Thank you for saying that idiosyncratic who humbly asks for a 2nd accidental should beryllium granted it.
I had to inquire household members to springiness maine a 2nd accidental – and they did. I’m truthful grateful, and I judge I’ve proved myself worthy of their religion successful me.
— Grateful
Dear Grateful: I emotion your blessed ending.
(You tin email Amy Dickinson astatine askamy@amydickinson.com oregon nonstop a missive to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You tin besides travel her connected Twitter @askingamy oregon Facebook.)
English (US) ·