Ask Amy: Couple can’t cope with feelings of guilt

Dear Amy: My beingness with my (not yet divorced) live-in fellow of 4 years has deteriorated. We are some successful our 60s.

He is experiencing ongoing accent and guilt from having an matter with maine portion helium was with his wife. Work stress, carnal problems, and the ongoing pandemic person each contributed to his dense drinking.

When helium is drunk, helium past blames maine for “stealing him from his wife.”

When helium rallies, helium apologizes, but it happens again.

How bash we some get escaped of the guilt?

He knows helium should beryllium successful therapy, but can’t look to acceptable it in.

We privation to enactment together, but astatine times it feels truly hard. Thoughts?

– K

Dear K: Feeling blameworthy erstwhile you’ve behaved severely is appropriate. You and your feline conducted an extramarital matter and are present surviving together, contempt the information that helium is inactive married. The guilt attached to these choices means that you 2 are reasoning and feeling radical who person behaved regrettably, but don’t privation to consciousness the discomfort attached to the consequences. Poor you!

The mode to get escaped of the guilt is to instrumentality work for the behavior, apologize to anyone you’ve hurt, and anticipation that others volition find a mode to forgive you.

Your feline has transformed his ain guilt into feeling atrocious for himself and past blaming you for his behavior. That’s what toddlers do.

He needs treatment, counseling, and to marque immoderate large decisions astir possibly conducting his beingness differently. Anyone who has clip to wallow and outcry successful his cups but can’t look to “fit in” therapy evidently needs to re-adjust his priorities.

The adjacent clip helium gets drunk and blames you for “stealing him from his wife,” I suggest that you connection to instrumentality him to her.

Dear Amy: After years of encouraging my (adopted) lad to find his biologic parents truthful that he’d person a aesculapian history, helium has recovered them and I americium uncovering it each truthful awkward and uncomfortable.

I’m feeling truthful insecure. He keeps telling maine precise lovingly, “You’re my mom, and nothing’s changed” but, it has.

His maternal biologic household lives successful different country.

We’ve been emailing with them.

His biologic dada is here. My lad looks similar him. They stock a batch interests and I find myself receding into the background.

Thoughts?

– “You’re My Mom”

Dear “You’re My Mom”: Your lad says this to you due to the fact that it is true. Furthermore, you person evidently raised him precise good due to the fact that you person encouraged him to find his biologic household members, and, having done so, helium recognizes however challenging this is for you. He sounds delicate and kind.

Biological household interaction oregon reunification is becoming overmuch much communal with the emergence of DNA testing. These efforts make joys and challenges crossed a wide spectrum. This is caller territory for adoptive families.

As our children scope adulthood, they signifier each sorts of relationships that tin look to propulsion disconnected the equilibrium successful the family. They spouse up, make adjacent friendships, and determination away. In adjacent families, this tin beryllium destabilizing.

As a parent, you person nary prime but to rotation with it, anchoring to an indispensable tenet of parenthood: Your occupation is to thatch and promote your children to emotion others.

How you rotation with it volition impact your narration with your son.

Your affectional efforts should beryllium directed toward coping with your ain feelings and learning however to tolerate your discomfort. Be arsenic gentle arsenic imaginable with yourself and toward others.

Other adoptive parents facing this situation could beryllium precise adjuvant and supportive. The Center for Adoption Support and Education offers accusation and counseling services for adopted radical and their parents. Check their website for information, enactment groups, and counseling services: adoptionsupport.org.

Dear Amy: I would 2nd your proposal to “Distant,” whose friendships had fallen disconnected during the pandemic and who didn’t cognize however to reconnect. You suggested that this idiosyncratic nonstop postcards to friends.

When my assemblage roommate and I had grown distant; I asked if I would ever spot her again and she said, “no.” A twelvemonth later, I sent her a abbreviated note, conscionable to fto her cognize I was reasoning of her and got a two-page missive back.

She had made immoderate changes successful her beingness and was excited to reconnect. We’ve been precise adjacent ever since — astir 40 years!

I accidental nonstop the postcards.

– A Friend

Dear Friend: I person dozens of postcards pinned to my wall. I emotion to nonstop – and person – them.

(You tin email Amy Dickinson astatine askamy@amydickinson.com oregon nonstop a missive to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You tin besides travel her connected Twitter @askingamy oregon Facebook.)