Ask Amy: Caregiving spouse is overwhelmed

Dear Amy: My woman was precocious hospitalized, and, arsenic I person done previously, I sent messages to household and her friends to fto them cognize her status.

After each message, I received galore successful return, immoderate asking questions that required a idiosyncratic response.

When my woman was astir to beryllium discharged, I received aggregate offers to assistance with buying and different chores.

I had to constitute a tactful effect to each, explaining that her fare has to beryllium cautiously controlled, truthful I person to bash the shopping.

I person specified mixed feelings astir the incoming messages.

It is fantastic that household and friends care, but the measurement of postulation requiring a effect has been a load connected maine astatine a hard time.

What bash you deliberation is the due protocol erstwhile receiving an update connected CaringBridge, oregon done a wide email similar mine?

Should radical deliberation bully thoughts but possibly not respond directly?

Respond with a banal thanks/best wishes message?

Or show involvement and caring by asking for much information, frankincense creating a stressor for the caregiver?

Thanks truthful overmuch for the insights successful your column, which I work successful the LA Times.

I look guardant to your thoughts connected this puzzler.

— M, successful Santa Barbara, California

Dear M: I deliberation it is normal, rational, and thoughtful to respond rapidly and straight to a CaringBridge connection oregon a radical email erstwhile the connection contains an important update astir idiosyncratic you attraction about.

I wholly recognize the accent that these messages tin create.

However, adjacent though you cannot power erstwhile oregon however radical respond, you CAN power their expectations regarding a instrumentality effect from you.

At the extremity of each of your email updates, you should see a mates of sentences similar this: “Thank you each for your caring and concern. It means truthful overmuch to some of us. I anticipation you recognize that unluckily I cannot respond promptly, if astatine all. I bash work and admit each and each message, however. We are fortunate to person truthful galore thoughtful friends.”

Put this connection successful bold print, truthful radical marque definite to spot it.

It would besides beryllium adjuvant if you could delegate a savvy and delicate person oregon household subordinate to coordinate immoderate needs that your ellipse of friends tin fulfill, whether it is helping retired for a fewer hours by cooking, cleaning, driving, oregon speechmaking aloud to your woman portion you rest.

Dear Amy: My daughter, “Shelley,” is successful her mid-30s. She was joined 3 years agone and, sadly, the matrimony ended 1 twelvemonth later.

My brother’s girl is present readying her wedding successful the aforesaid determination arsenic my daughter’s wedding.

Shelley is precise upset, wounded and aggravated that her relative is readying to person her wedding astatine the aforesaid location, knowing the details of wherefore her matrimony ended.

Shelley is requesting affectional support, alliance, and a listening receptor regarding her feelings.

I person provided each of these things but volition be my niece’s wedding.

Shelley volition not attend, nor let my granddaughter to enactment successful the wedding.

I accidental it is clip for her to judge her past and determination on, and to admit that she is blessed to beryllium retired of the marriage.

I recognize that she is disappointed, but I americium bushed of proceeding that her relative is selfish and is not caring astir her feelings. Her relative reached retired to her to speech astir having her wedding astatine the aforesaid location.

I recommended virtual therapy for her due to the fact that she was truthful angry, which she is attending.

— Stressed Mom

Dear Stressed: Your girl does not person the close to effort to power her cousin’s prime of wedding venue, but anyone could ideate however hard it mightiness beryllium for your girl to revisit the country of her ain nuptials, truthful soon aft her ain matrimony ended.

Should she support her ain girl distant oregon importune that you indispensable not the wedding? No.

You’ve done a large occupation “momming” this issue. I anticipation your girl gets it together.

Dear Amy: I was offended erstwhile you replied to a stepparent “You are not this daughter’s parent.” How situation you! Stepparents ARE parents.

— Offended

Dear Offended: I person 4 stepchildren, and I person helped to rise them.

However, “Upset Stepparent” ne'er erstwhile referred to this drug-addicted big girl arsenic her “stepdaughter,” but lone arsenic “my husband’s daughter.”

She implied that she had ne'er adjacent spoken to this peculiar daughter, starring maine to reason that she was much oregon little refusing this important parental role.

(You tin email Amy Dickinson astatine askamy@amydickinson.com oregon nonstop a missive to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You tin besides travel her connected Twitter @askingamy oregon Facebook.)

Subscribe to our play newsletter, In The Know, to get amusement quality sent consecutive to your inbox.