2 years ago
417
Dear Amy: I precocious joined a large guy. He loves maine and loves my children (from a erstwhile marriage) similar his own.
When we archetypal started dating, we disclosed a batch of our past to each other.
We were drinking, and helium told maine a mates of vulgar intersexual things astir 1 peculiar ex. I’m having a hard clip moving past it.
He claims helium doesn’t retrieve telling maine that, due to the fact that helium was drinking.
Also, owed to my ain digging done his societal media (I admit it), I saw pictures and posts helium would constitute to this aforesaid girl, and different girls.
Before me, helium had a fewer one-night stands, drank mode excessively overmuch (hence the one-night stands), and would remark connected tons of women’s sexy Instagram and Facebook pictures.
I cannot get implicit his past behavior.
I overthink everything. Why doesn’t helium instrumentality arsenic galore pictures of america arsenic helium did with his exes? Why doesn’t helium constitute the things to maine that helium did to different girls? Does helium deliberation I’m arsenic sexy arsenic the girls helium commented on?
He tells maine helium loves maine mode much than helium ever loved immoderate girl, and that helium lone did those things due to the fact that helium had thing affirmative successful his life.
In the 4 years I’ve known him, helium is simply a wholly changed man.
He has stopped drinking and smoking, and is simply a responsible, hardworking antheral who says helium has everything helium has ever wanted successful life.
But I request assistance moving past his past.
I’ve work self-help books and talked to adjacent friends, but I inactive person this nagging feeling.
Is it my gut telling maine that thing isn’t right? After all, a tiger can’t alteration its stripes.
— Tortured by the Past
Dear Tortured: I don’t cognize what these books and friends told you, but my main question is: Are you susceptible of change?
I judge that you are.
Your hubby has changed.
And present it’s your turn.
Your prime to excavation into his societal media past seems to person triggered utmost self-esteem issues. He has told you: “That was drunk-me. This is sober-me.”
Your husband’s past belongs to him. You don’t truly person the close to assertion it, signifier it, oregon to fto his past predominate your future.
Your hubby isn’t sexually vulgar with you due to the fact that helium is sober. He doesn’t objectify you the mode helium objectified random women connected Instagram due to the fact that helium knows you. He loves you. He is happy, you’re the parent of the children helium loves, and helium is nary longer that lonely dude drunk-scrolling into the void.
You could enactment done this with a counsellor but cognize this: While it is important for you to wage attraction to your ain instincts, your insecurity and jealousy could really poison what sounds similar a bully thing.
You should pass your wants, needs, and desires (vulgar oregon otherwise) to him, and helium should beryllium transparent and diligent with you.
Trust is simply a choice. It’s 1 you truly should make.
Dear Amy: I’m a fan. I’m responding to “Faithful Reader,” who objects to utilizing “they” arsenic a singular pronoun.
News flash for them and different readers: “They” has ever been a singular pronoun. People usage it each the time. They present lone entity to the intentional usage of it, due to the fact that they don’t similar having their views of sex oregon connection challenged.
— Upset
Dear Upset: “Faithful Reader” is 1 of many, galore radical who person complained implicit my usage of the connection “they” erstwhile referring to an individual. The refrain is ever the same: “‘They’ is plural!”
The subtext is besides acquainted and is precisely arsenic you describe.
“Faithful Reader” suggested utilizing the connection “ye” arsenic a gender-neutral singular pronoun, and portion I responded positively to that idea, it is not for Faithful Reader, oregon me, to delegate circumstantial words describing anyone (but ourselves).
Dear Amy: “Just Curious” wanted to cognize however to amusement radical 1 photograph connected their phone, but past forestall them from scrolling done further photos.
I nary longer person that problem, arsenic I person created a folder I titled “shareable.”
When I find the 1 oregon fewer pictures I privation to show, I rapidly prime them and determination them to that folder, and past conscionable amusement the folder.
At the extremity of the night, I region them from the folder truthful it’s acceptable for my adjacent amusement and tell. I nary longer interest astir anyone seeing much than I was offering.
— Never Embarrassed
Dear Never: Great tip! [Amy rapidly searches: “how to make a folder.”]
(You tin email Amy Dickinson astatine askamy@amydickinson.com oregon nonstop a missive to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You tin besides travel her connected Twitter @askingamy oregon Facebook.)
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