Ask Amy: Memorial service brings on acute anxiety

Dear Amy: My mother-in-law passed distant past month.

I had asked my woman if she would beryllium consenting to hold her mother’s memorial work for 3 oregon 4 months until COVID recedes, but she and her siblings person decided to proceed with a memorial work adjacent month.

My wife’s Mom lived 2,000 miles distant from us, truthful we would request to alert to the memorial service.

There volition beryllium a religion work and a repast afterward, wherever radical volition stock their stories.

The repast volition beryllium either extracurricular oregon successful a banquet country (depending connected the weather).

Many of the attendees person been vaccinated for COVID.

I americium 64 years aged and person been vaccinated.

I person a fewer wellness issues, which are not presently connected the database of high-risk factors.

I would similar not to attend, and I get anxious erstwhile I deliberation astir flying and being successful a radical setting.

I would similar to sojourn her location with my woman sometime adjacent twelvemonth and wage my respects then.

However, my woman and her siblings whitethorn consciousness that I americium being disrespectful if I bash not attend.

All of the different household members are presently readying to attend.

Do you person immoderate guidance?

— Conflicted

Dear Conflicted: I task that your reluctance to marque this travel is based much connected your free-floating anxiousness than connected circumstantial hazard factors to your ain wellness — knowing that the wide fearfulness of contracting COVID is overwhelming — for you and for many.

The pandemic has pushed galore of america into a authorities of high-alert, and existing successful that state, particularly portion we are besides isolated, is peculiarly exhausting and paralyzing.

I can’t counsel you arsenic to whether to instrumentality this on. You are evidently precise anxious astir it; you evidently don’t privation to bash it. Tiptoeing retired into the satellite successful stages would beryllium easier connected you than hopping onto a level for a agelong flight.

All the same, though you could beryllium exposed to COVID virtually anywhere, I’m not alert of immoderate large outbreaks wrong the past twelvemonth occurring arsenic the effect of flying.

Staying location is ever safest. Staying location prevents you from being deed by a drunk operator connected the highway. Not being astir others volition inoculate you from colds, allergies, and affectional wear-and-tear.

But arsenic Robert Frost famously wrote, “…the champion mode retired is ever through.”

Getting “through” should beryllium your goal.

Talk with your wife. Given the level of your concern, it mightiness beryllium easiest connected her if you stayed home.

I precocious attended a memorial work via ZOOM, and it was some moving and lovely.

Dear Amy: This is an insignificant problem, but I’d admit your opinion.

I person achromatic hairsbreadth and I deliberation I look bully wearing black.

When I americium retired successful nationalist with an acquaintance oregon co-worker, I tin beryllium successful mid-sentence erstwhile immoderate radical volition abruptly prime astatine my achromatic shirt, and past say, “There was a hairsbreadth connected your shirt.”

It seems similar they consciousness compelled to bash this.

I consciousness similar an orangutan.

I person sometimes said, partially joking, “I consciousness similar I’m being groomed.”

Are they doing maine a favor, plucking 1 of my achromatic hairs disconnected my shirt?

Is it the aforesaid arsenic if I had nutrient connected my face, oregon if my pants were unzipped?

Should I beryllium embarrassed, but grateful to person this pointed out?

I americium astir to springiness distant each my achromatic tops.

— White connected Black

Dear White connected Black: When radical bash this, they are not doing you a favor; they are treating their ain discomfort — by removing thing that distracts them and pulls their absorption distant from you.

You mightiness ne'er consciousness this impulse to smooth, straighten, oregon pluck (nor bash I), but I hold with your instinct that doing truthful is thing of a compulsion for radical who cannot look to resist.

Dear Amy: I’d similar to convey “Old Veteran” for expressing the aforesaid discomfort I consciousness erstwhile radical convey maine for my subject service.

I don’t regret being successful the subject but, fixed that the warfare I served successful (Afghanistan) didn’t look to pb to thing affirmative for anyone, I don’t deliberation anyone has thing to convey maine for.

— Another Old Veteran

Dear Veteran: I’ve had a immense effect to the heartfelt missive from this Vietnam seasoned — astir of it compassionate and understanding.

Regarding your ain work — it seems that radical cognize however to commencement wars, but don’t cognize however to extremity them.

Your willingness to service inspires gratitude, careless of the outcome.

(You tin email Amy Dickinson astatine askamy@amydickinson.com oregon nonstop a missive to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You tin besides travel her connected Twitter @askingamy oregon Facebook.)

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