Ask Amy: Long-married couple copes with negativity

Dear Amy: My woman and I person been unneurotic for 44 years.

My fantastic woman utilized to beryllium mostly blessed and positive.

Then came 4 years of politics, which seems to person scarred her permanently; she present worries astir everything, is (at times) hypercritical, and has a decidedly pessimistic outlook. Negativity abounds.

During the Trump medication she would obsess regular astir the latest outrage/headline/scandal to the constituent wherever I suggested, and she accepted, trying therapy. She “didn’t similar it.” (She has done therapy before, and we some had counseling unneurotic years ago. Both experiences were positive.)

In suggesting therapy recently, I contrasted however each of america is apt to unrecorded retired our “golden years.”

My precocious schoolhouse yearbook described maine arsenic “happy-go-lucky,” a beauteous close assessment; my begetter kept a grin connected his look to the end, a trait she admired. Her father, by contrast, was Archie Bunker: railing astatine demons, scowling, ever critical, everlastingly unhappy. She doesn’t privation to beryllium similar that, but adjacent she admits that’s the way she’s on.

Is determination a remedy different than “therapy” that I mightiness suggest, oregon a much convincing mode to presumption it to get her (or us) to effort it again?

Neither of america is religious, we are financially secure, and we are precise overmuch successful love. I’d similar to course-correct to the mode she utilized to be, and she agrees!

What to do?

(We work your file each time successful the Washington Post.)

– Concerned successful DC

Dear Concerned: I admit the information that you work the Washington Post; I judge that this whitethorn really supply a hint astir your wife’s authorities of mind.

Events during the erstwhile medication whitethorn person triggered her anxiousness and negativity, but really surviving successful oregon adjacent DC, surrounded by politically engaged and acrophobic chap citizens, arsenic good arsenic being successful carnal proximity to protests and the insurrection pursuing the election, could beryllium keeping her successful place.

Negative thoughts thin to beryllium “sticky,” starring to rumination.

Your woman mightiness person inherited her father’s basal temperament, but the information that she wants to alteration her position means that she can.

My suggestions for her are: Disengage wholly from societal media. Within the archetypal 24 hours, she should announcement a alteration successful her basal outlook.

Turn disconnected the TV and walk immoderate clip each time speechmaking a caller and/or poetry.

Read up connected mindfulness and meditation and commencement and extremity each time with a deliberate prime to database 3 things she is grateful for and walk clip softly reasoning astir each one.

Spend arsenic overmuch clip arsenic imaginable outdoors, preferably successful nature.

Volunteer! The Smithsonian has a chill task wherever immoderate national tin assistance to transcribe documents from their immense humanities collection. Check transcription.si.edu for accusation connected however to get started.

See her physician. Her accent could origin wellness problems, but an undiagnosed aesculapian contented mightiness besides lend to her stress.

And yes – therapy! Good therapy, similar a bully marriage, is each astir the close fit. Keep trying.

Dear Amy: I americium presently filling retired divorcement papers, owed to the elemental information my hubby lies truthful much. Our 16 years unneurotic feels similar a lie.

He lies astir being astatine enactment erstwhile helium isn’t.

He has disappeared much times than I tin number – I’m talking full MIA.

He sold our surviving country furnishings but told maine they were stolen.

He accuses maine of cheating with his friend, who I hardly cognize (but helium hangs retired with him).

I recovered 3 pre-paid wealth cards helium utilized to get sex, but helium said helium ne'er did — helium conscionable got robbed.

I don’t recognize wherefore helium lies astir worldly that is evidently not true.

I’m confused arsenic to wherefore I let this brainsick nonsense.

Is this worldly gaslighting?

– Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: Gaslighting isn’t your hubby lying astir selling the surviving country furniture. Gaslighting would beryllium if helium convinced you that YOU had sold the surviving country furniture.

No, this is you losing 16 years of your beingness to a pathological liar.

Now spell get your beingness back.

Dear Amy: “In a Quandary,” described a mates who had postponed their separation owed to their daughter’s intelligence illness.

I deliberation it is important that erstwhile they archer the daughter, they are precise wide that the divided was successful the works earlier her intelligence wellness situation began. If not, she is apt to surmise that her concern contributed to the split, which would beryllium detrimental to her continued recovery.

– Mom successful CT

Dear Mom: I hold – and convey you.

(You tin email Amy Dickinson astatine askamy@amydickinson.com oregon nonstop a missive to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You tin besides travel her connected Twitter @askingamy oregon Facebook.)